Ask Black America: Is it OK for a Mother to Spoil Her Son?
by Dr. Boyce Watkins
As we kick off the Building Outstanding Men and Boys Family Empowerment Tour this week (Morehouse College is our first stop), I found myself locked into a conversation with my father. When I mention my dad, I’m not talking about my biological father who abandoned me at birth. I’m referring to my real father, the one who raised me from the age of three. Larry Watkins is a military veteran and police officer who always believed that a man should be strong, responsible, and carry himself with dignity.
One of the things that my father seems to believe is that the natural ability of a good mother to nurture her child should be balanced by a tougher hand that comes from the father.
“When the boy falls out of the tree, the mother might kiss it and make it better. But the father is the one who tells him to try to climb the tree again,” he would say.
I can’t say that I disagree with my father on this point. The fact is that life isn’t easy. No one coddles you when you fall on your face, and no one feels sorry for you when you don’t get what you want. It’s up to you to decide what your purpose in life is going to be, and it’s also up to you to find a way to fulfill the commitments that you’ve made to yourself and to other people. These values are critical when a man is seeking to be a strong leader and provider for a family, so that he doesn’t ball up into a marshmallow or head for the hills when times get tough.
Far too often, we see men who’ve never been raised to be men. They are in their late 20s living like teenagers and finding excuses for not achieving much of anything. They line up to get into bed with a beautiful woman, but aren’t interested in the responsibilities that come with being a good father and/or husband. Instead of shaping their lives to become what they want them to be, they spend their time explaining why things “just aren’t working out for them.”
In many of these cases, you can trace that man’s weakness to how he was raised. Some of these men were raised with a sense of entitlement that came from being coddled all their lives. When they didn’t get what they wanted, it was always someone else’s fault. The world owed them something and they weren’t accountable to anyone. When this man grows into adulthood, he ends up becoming a liability to his community, instead of an asset.
That’s what leads me to conclude that spoiling your son can easily lead him to fail himself and to also fail other people. A man must be raised with strong values that guide him to do the right thing when everyone else is telling him to do the wrong things. He must also have the ability to persist through challenges and not live off of his excuses as if they were a food group. How this boy is constructed by his parent(s) at an early age shapes who he will become in adulthood. Whether you are talking about food or human beings, almost nothing good comes out of a thing that has been spoiled – so while we should all spoil our children with love, it’s OK to be tough on them when it comes to personal responsibility.
This leads to our question for the day: Is it OK for a mother to spoil her son? I asked readers on my Facebook page and their reactions can be seen below:
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Deborah Pearson Masolwa How you define #spoiled# ? -
Lekisha Daniel I think it’s a good thing and no I don’t think it hurts them -
Snow Darling Developing into a “man” has nothing to do with his mother spoiling him or not. It has everything to do with having someone, father, uncle, brother, pastor etc… Real men being positive examples in his life. -
Gilbert Dillard He will develop an unrealistic sense that the world of people revolve around him only. Since the process in life is based on giving and receiving, he will internally die and become a metal-plastic person. -
Anita Swanagan I think it is ok to spoil him. But, he should still be taught to respect others. I don’t have a son but I do have a grandson. I am teaching him that he is intelligent, important, and deserves the best life has to offer. I will make sure he knows he has to earn his place in this world by being responsible and avoiding negative influences. He is being spoiled but not spoiled rotten. -
Melissa Noneedtoknoalldat From my experience I noticed that spoiled men seem to be less of a man and dependent on their mothers for a lot of things -
Melissa Noneedtoknoalldat For example the mother and son in think like a man
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Elaine Berry Pressley Bad. While he could be successful academically and even professionally he won’t be successful in man-woman relationships. He will either expect all women to do the same as his mother or he will be the urban text book’s definition of a momma’s boy. Not the man to date or marry. -
Darlene Clark It is okay if it is a healthy balance. My examples can be girls also. I know someone who has an eight year old son who whines all the time and still sleeps in her bed instead of his own. My cousin son twenty years old and dropped out of school with one math class to go. He has been sitting around for two years. My uncle who is my grandparents 12th child and last child. He is in his fifties do not want to pay rent , half pay his bills, and never took care of his one son. Yes the family spoiled him. -
Keon Wimsatt Yes it hurts him. -
Sharon Rogers Mother’s should love their children unconditionally, but also provide discipline and teach responsibility. I think “spoiling” youth leads to an adult having a sense of entitlement, unable, or unwilling to mature, and blaming others when things don’t go their way. -
Reynelle Francis The definition of spoiled can vary across cultures. It is good to teach a young black man that he is valued and worthy to be taken care of. -
Darryl Ledbetter Teach him that he is valued, but to spoil him would ruin him. A man should know the value of gaining things through hard work and dedication. When things are handed to him easily, he will develop a massive sense of entitlement that will transfer over to every other aspect of his life. -
Ablasika Tuesday Phillips Here is the definition. Spoil: Spoiled or spoil·ing, noun to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.: to spoil a child by pampering him. – I think the nature and root of the word explains itself. Also, my personal opinion is a child cannot know what it’s like to work and appreciate the fruits of their labor or their parents labor if everything is always handed to them. This creates a false sense of entitlement – which given the child’s personality can be a dangerous thing for the individual especially when they become adults. This isn’t to say don’t give your children the best or require them to accept less than that – but it is our job as parents to notice when they don’t understand if a situation doesn’t permit an expense or a particular treatment. They should be able to understand and appreciate the value of money and of life in general. If they do not understand a situation where a parent may not be able to afford the same treatment or expense, and the child gets upset you will have a problem on your hands that must be dealt with in early childhood or the character of that adult – as said in the definition – will be damaged. -
Brandon Gamble All that spoiling needs to slow down between the age of 10-14 to slowly add responsibility in a chore and issue at a time. However, random reinforcement should continue because this world will try to take our young men’s boyhood and give them manhood problems before they are in high school. These thoughts inspired by Drs. Jawanza Kunjufu-Africanamericanimages and Michael J. Dumas. -
Charita Howard Yes. “Spoiling” any child can be detrimental to their growth and survival. We need to teach our children how to make it on their own. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love them; it is because we love them that we take the time to teach them how to survive. -
Darryl L Richardson There is nothing wrong with spoiling a CHILD. But as this CHILD becomes a young adult responsibilities MUST be added. Learn to wash your clothes, cook your food, keep a clean house, such as taking out the trash, cutting grass making your surroundings presentable. Most mothers will to an extent spoil their child for as long as she lives. It’s just their nature. A mother child bond that will never be broken. But listen up all the MOMS WHO MIGHT READ THIS, please be firm with your boys, fair but firm. It is very, VERY IMPORTANT YOU DO SO. He will respect you and other women much more when he becomes a man. I did not come from a single family home, raised by my mother and father. The only boy of five kids, and believe me my mother was very strict with me. VERY STRICT. And both grandmothers. When I look back on it now, I’m so very glad they were. It has gotten me through some very hard and difficult times in my life. So MOMS AND MOMS TO BE, if you want to spoil your child, be careful. what you plant now will one day be in your front yard. DO YOU WANT WEEDS AND DANDELIONS OR DO YOU WANT OAK TREEES. -
C’Lee White When has the word “spoil” ever been of good connotation? -
Christian Kabela Destroys -
Craig Varnado If there is no presence of a man in his life, it is very bad. -
Judy Robinson Belfon Anagor Spoil means different thing to different families … I do not think that one could ever be loved too much … It is important that we set boundaries for our children as parents an…See More -
Sandra Brown I didn’t and don’t have a problem with it. Although I did spoil my Son as a child(he’s 30 now), I also taught him responsibilities of being a Man, husband and father. I know men s…See More
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THE MISTAKE THAT BLACK WOMEN MAKE IS RAISING THEIR BOYS WITH FEMALE EMOTIONS.BOYS SHOULD BE RAISED WITH
LOVE FROM A ARM BABY UNTIL THEY REACH 5YRS OF AGE AND
AFTER THAT THEY SHOULD BE RAISED TOTALLY ON RESPONSIBILITY BECAUSE THATS HOW SUCESSFUL PEOPLE
ARE RAISED,AND WHEN HE IS DEPRIVED OF THAT LOVE WHEN
HE IS YOUNG HE IS GOING TO SEEK IT OUT THROUGH THE MOTHER AND A POSSIBLE A WIFE.BLACK WOMEN HAVE NOT
PICKED UP YET THAT THE MAJORITY OF BLACKMALES ARE IN
PRISON AND THEY COME FROM THE SAME KIND OF MOTHERS
THAT RAISE THEIR KIDS LIKE YOU ALL.STOP RAISING YOUR KIDS
THE SAME WAY,AND THEY WONT BECOME DROP OUTS PROSTITUTES AND JAIL BIRDS.MY HOLE POINT IS THAT YOU HAVE TO RAISE YOUR KID TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.
REMEMBER LOVE WONT PAY HIS BILLS,RESONSIBILITY WOULD.
TEACH HIM HOW NOT TO BE LAZY,AND HOW TO EARN A BUCK.
JESUS SAID,IF YOU GIVE A MAN A FISH,HE COULD EAT FOR ONE DAY,BUT IF YOU TEACH HIM HOW TO FISH,HE COULD EAT FOREVER.
I have and still do work with so many women who have spoiled their boys, and then complain about hem being in their 20′s(some 30′s and a few 40′s) still at home and doing nuthin. My mom did not spoil us( none of my brothers or sisters) and my father was there everyday. They both made great money, but when u come from the cotton fields, u teach the value of hard work and the value of a dollar. A lot of teachers tell me these kids now have a sense of entitlement( heard a few ex-professors say this too) and they act like u/we “owe then something.” These same women I talked about ask me for advice( i do mentoring of young men) and I tell them to quit giving them everything. Without some struggle there is no progress. Let them struggle a little, it will serve them well for down the road. Ptah ra
Correction- them
Oh but these same women have some form attachment-sort of a latch key themselves and this is why they will take their limited resources to buy 150$ Jordans and the freshest gear. Image is everything in the black community, and these young men now a days are worried about that more than what’s in their head. Hotep
As a single mother who raised sons, I knew that I had to raise them to responsible, INDEPENDENT, self-respecting, productive individuals who were to one day LEAVE my home to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. I think most mothers’ spoil out of guilt because the father is not in the home or became a parent as a result of a poor decision they made resulting in being a single parent. Some mother’s unconsciously force manhood on their young sons by labeling them the “man of the house,” which clearly serves as an injustice by robbing him of his innocence and childhood. This places undue stress that force him to be the protector, the provider, the repairman, and any other responsibility meant for grown men. Some women, as quiet as its kept, still allow their sons to sleep with them well into their teenage years. Yes I said it. Once he has moved into manhood, he still has this sense that he should still remain at home to be the “man of the house” accompanied with a sense of priviledge that he can now articulate that she somehow owes him something. Sometimes you have to look to nature for the answers…the mother bird pushes the baby bird out of the nest to fly on his own! I have one more to go, and my children couldn’t wait to get out a apply their real life skills…I’m sure also motivated by getting away from me…and I love it!
I tried not to.spoil my son but I do feel I over compensated him dur to being raised by me. Age for I had bought lots of gifts and wrapped them indiviualy (25 presents)@fter he open them all he said is there anything else. ):°[@fter that he nvr got more than 5 or 6 gift from me diring Christmas.
I love my son dearly but i must now let him be his 19 almost 20growm self.. I can’t take the disrespectful mouth and the blatant disrespect!!.. It hurts but I’m just prayn God keeps his hand around him.
Next he always had 2 of evrythng an so I found he did show value in keeping his stuff.. 2 bdays, 2 bikes,etc.. Mainly cause his dad wud not return what i wud buy so i stop supplying when he visited him and his family. When it came 2 school i found myself telling teacher to blame me..until one told me no that she could see he was manipulating me and her.. I stopped..
Finally thru his whole school yrs I was his person secretary.. I always had things organized to the T! Whrn thing needed to get done my son knew who would get it done… This lead where we are now.. Astranged!.. He won’t listen but comes to me to resolve!..
So to answer the question: No.. Show love but keep a firm hand when needed amd let them
Let me clarify .. He graduated and is no jail bird. He has worked since the age of 11 (soccer ref) he went to private schools all its just when he turned 18 and I helpec him get both his jobs and co_signed for his car his attitude change and he’s acting like he knows it all.. Hr has since dropped out of college and working full time.. Im upset that he does see i tryed to lay a future for him an wrk 2 jobs .. He is taking the hard road cause he tjinks he had quick answers..
But note i did not raise a ghetto hard head!