Dr. Boyce: Single Moms Can Use a Maury Povich – You are NOT The Father, So Don’t Try to Become One
by Dr. Boyce Watkins
I made the video below not to discredit the heroic efforts of our single mothers all across the country. But instead, I wanted to follow up on remarks made by Ree, the (Ree)lationship Guide, who recently stated that mothers who have taken over Father’s Day and claim proudly that their kids don’t need their dad are undeniably mistaken. Sometimes, parenting can unfortunately become as much about egos as it is about loving the child, and the choices we make while our children are young might lead to difficult consequences for the child later in life.
For every woman who grows frustrated by those black men who are irresponsible, lazy, spoiled and undisciplined, we must consider the possibility that some of these men may behave in this way because they never had productive male role models. A mother’s tendency is typically to nurture and coddle a child, which can make him weak if there is no counter balance. A strong and principled male figure pushes that boy to learn discipline, toughness and principles that he needs to be an adequate father, husband and provider. A man who has been spoiled is no good for anyone, and too many of our boys are raised to be soft and ill equipped to survive in this world.
Yes, I am being old school on this one, but I’m not apologizing. We must raise our sons and not spoil them. Whether it’s a piece of meat or a human being, a thing that is spoiled is never an enticing option.
The video is below:
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trhere are too many assumptions being made in this article to waste time countering point by point.
there are STRONG PRINCIPLED WOMEN who are also quite SENSIBLE and PRACTICAL and have raised young men who are mature, principled, sensible and practical. We need to leave the OWNERSHIP society and enter a community where NURTURE has more importance than role-based expectations and the limitations that are placed on people.
Where some men fail, some women succeed.
I will continue to applaud Single Fathers on Mothers’ Day just as I applaud Single Mothers on Fathers’ Day.
Trying to do your best as a parent is nothing to get slapped about.
I am starting to get really irritated with this supposed to be Dr. Boyd. Just flat out ignorance comes from too many black men. You wonder why we Black Women refuse to have anything to do with black men? Then you have the nerve to talk about us, if we marry outside of our race, and don’t have a desire for black men. I’ll let you answer that for yourself.
I think you should really think about the reality of things, instead of trying to discredit Women.
This is an attempt to answer your question “you wonder why Black Women refuse to have anything to do with black men”? It has been my observation that most upwardly mobile black men who travel and are financially secure with multiple dating options no longer choose ‘American raised Black Women’. And these same men couldn’t care less who black women marry or date. In 2012 the vast majority of black women who date black men do so because they have no other options. I personally want black women to be happy so, if that means dating outside of your race…I recommend they go for it. I’m blessed with having multiple dating options and date black women exclusively, I just choose not to date American raised black women. Peace.
I feel ya big will but I have to say that I knew Boyce Watkins was stepping in to a hornet’s nest when he broached this subject. I am a man who spent time as a single parent raising a daughter and a son. Why is it I am willing to accept that my children need their mother’s influence or at least a woman’s influence without being sour about it. That does not take away from what I am able to do. Furthermore, I do believe that he is right.
I read a real account about a group of wild life preserve where very rare animals were coming up dead without explanation for it… a rare white rhino was killed, some other animals were getting slaughtered at night and no one had an explanation. After careful investigation they found out there there were a group of young male elephants that running around in a pack killing other animals. They realized that there were no older male bull elephants in the reserve and these elephants were running around without guidance. What that did was introduce some older males into the preserve and the behavior stopped.
The point was just as Watkins said. This does not diminish or negate the importance or purpose of a mother… It just seems that there are a group of women who don’t hear this message well because they are angry with their choices (or are at least embarrassed about it) and are unwilling to accept their own limitations. If the did they would not hesitate to at least expose their boys as best they could to strong male role models. I am aware that this might be a challenge in its self, but one worth considering for balance sake!!
sorry for all the grammar mistakes I was in such a horry
!
Hurry!!
… rough day
@ Big Will. The name along suggest an inflated -thus a fragile male ego.
You stated: “It has been my observation that most upwardly mobile black men who travel and are financially secure with multiple dating options no longer choose ‘American raised Black Women’.”
This is the same for upwardly mobile black women as well. They care less about American born black men and chose to date/marry among their options.
You state: “In 2012 the vast majority of black women
who date black men do so because they have no other options.”
Low self-esteem black males (not black men a difference) who need their ego stroke and some self-worth love to spit this same statement. I mean you guys must really drink the same kool-aid to think that black women are not desired. With that said, produce some legitimate numbers not some barbershop pseudo garbage black men like to tell themselves. As a black women, (chocolate I may add) non-black suitors and I’m not talking just white have never been an issue and it started very early for me. Speaking for myself, I love my skin, my noise, lips, hair (afro puff
) etc. I want my ancestry to carry on. And further, my self-worth is not linked to some non-black person finding me attractive unlike
black males.
You are an enigma it is obvious by your previous post your disdain and utter hate for black males is glaring. My question is why do you come here, here being a site ran by a no good black male. You have some serious unresolved daddy issues. You can date outside your race it won’t insulate you from the fact that men of all stripes do dirt just ask Hillary don’t want to ask her then there are the ex-wives of Newt or even that Gov who was out supposedly hikining the applacian trail I get it like you said before you hate black males it’s sad because even if you do now or ever decide to become a mommie your babies will be black even if you hook up with the whitest guy on the planet I pray they aren’t boys. Peace
I believe the doctor’s name is Dr. Boyce, but regardless, I’m not here to debate over the doctor’s perspective at this point.
Let’s get this straight… “You wonder why we Black Women refuse to have anything to do with black men?”
I don’t wonder and for the most part I know why, however it is usually owed to the refusal of admittance of one’s own mistakes when it comes to choosing and picking a mate of quality. This in turn can be attributed by the lack of guidance from a male role model in the house further justifying the need for a Father and not just a DNA donor.
“Then you have the nerve to talk about us, if we marry outside of our race, and don’t have a desire for black men.”
Concerning your perspective in regards to Black “men” who talk about Black “women” who have a desire to date outside of race, it is truly asinine for you to believe that it has much to do with anything other than the consistent portrayal of Black Men as a whole as undesirable. Just as Black males have done similar to Black women… however the frequency has been minute in comparison.
I have no ill will toward Black women, however I believe that mentality and family history has an influence on it. Overall, I’m just going to put it this way. As a community, there needs to be some healing in terms of Black men and women. I have an unequivocal amount of love for my Black Queens because they are a both a factor and product of my being just as I am theirs.
Amen! I have been saying this for years. Amen! A woman cant raise a complete man. All children need both parents
It is not the best for a kid to have one parent period. It is best to find a great male role model for the daughter as well as the sons. I don’t think it’s so much that the women should claim the “daddy ain’t ish” should consider who picked that daddy for the kids they have.
I have never seen so many women not want to take responsibility for their actions such as not being picky enough when ti comes to having children. Some say they did nit have a daddy and they are just fine so their child does to need one” what a bunch of c**p”.
The men who had positive male role models have more of a balance to knowing they are a mañana it nit taking anything away from their manhood by being kind, gentle and loving to a woman. A lot of y’all are passing that dysfunctional thinking on to your children.
My daughters dad did not have a positive role model growing up. On the outside and verbally he seemed like he wold be ok. Yes he had a grandmother who ” did the best she could for him” while his mom sought relationships” this resulted in a jacked up adult male. Me having a father and mother balance allows me to be well enough mentally to say I would stick by him, but not bring anymore children into this unless it changes? Some women would have rationalized being married and able to have food on the tale is good enough to have the numb of children she wants as she can be the mom and the dad.
No matte what we may feel, Gods way of the mother and father is best. There are women today who have issues with men because of no positive male role model. A lot of women raising boys by themselves raise them to be like” vitches” as if no woman is food enough for her son. Children need that balance so ladies please stop cursing someone out just because you’re going it alone.
If my daughters dad had had a positive father figure growing up, he would have been ale to separate doing what best for our daughter versus getting back at a women he mistreated who had a father and knows what it’s like to have a man who loves and respects you.
I have known men who for what ever reason it did not workout with their child’s mom remain a positivei presence in their child’s life and the children not become delinquents, as they became healthy productive adults.
A woman who has to do extra motherly things, should be rewarded or acknowledge as such on mothers day, but on fathers day, let’s leave that for the much needed influence of a male whether it be the actual dad, step dad, grandfather, uncle, church member, teacher, counselor ect era.
This does nit take away the important and over the top things single moms have had to do, but it also does not diminish the important role of the father. Peace y’all, from another single mom who had a dad and knows the importance he played in my life growing up. Thanks mom for being a mother and addy for being a father- I miss you guys RIP.
Black men (and I am one) are the real problem that are hurting the entire black family and race. And we HAVE TO get our act together. BUT, black women have got to come to realize that they cannot be both mother and father, and either make certain that you have a man that is ABSOLUTELY going to a real husband and FATHER, y’all need to stop having children. And especially male children, because you CANNOT bring up male kids, like a male can. Now, if you can figure out how to have female children only (which I’m sure you can’t), then go ahead and keep jumping in bed with these no good BLACK men. Because this is making you, along with these worthless men, poor examples of parenthood, as well as the black men. I even know of many black women who say that they don’t need a man to raise their children, that they can do it themselves. Some even just want a child or two, and don’t even have a father for them in mind in the first place. I have a couple of female cousins myself who talked that foolishness, and are now catching h**l with their male kids, especially, but even with the girls also. — Rev. George Brooks
Rev Brooks, I agree that both males & females need to protect self to stop having kids especially outside of marriage and financial means. The problem I’m having, this insinuation that black male demise is due to bw headed households (think of Dr. Ben Carson and countless other successful bm coming out of single family homes). My nephew is currently serving time in jail now and he lived with my brother. It is not that simplistic as just having a male around. A major contributing factor is lack of values & norms. We literally don’t have a value system. Even worse, we gauge what is right or wrong based on an european value system (white people do it, so its ok… mentally). We literally threw out the baby with the bath water with integration. We bought into the idea of the efficacy of white values and the dysfunction and ignorance of black values & norms. We must return to or establish cultural norms period. Until we do, we will continue to play the blame game and not accomplish anything in return.
Bw are not monolithic. This is key if you have a congregation.
A women can only do the best she can when raising male children. A man can only do the best he can without the aid of a female. Face it women, a man is needed and vise versa for raising female children. Information regarding a female coming from a female is different than coming from a male and vise versa. Yes, yes we know some women and men that have done a phenomenal job in rasing their childern of either s*x, but I fear that is not the norm judging by what we see in our world today. We need each other to be strong for one another. all this talk about going to outsider for our happiness is crazy! Let us put those differences aside and really, really put an effort forth to listen to one another. I promise it will not be an easy thing to do, but we must try least we become like the so called American Indian, no disrespect intended to the American Indian.
Do not take this opportunity to bash black men nor an opportunity to bash black women. Look at Dr. Boyce’s article as an opportunity for honest dialogue. I am a black man who for a time was a single parent and I will admit that it takes two parents to raise a child regardless of the s*x of the child. My experience may be looked upon as anecdotal but none the less it is my experience. It did not make me special nor did it endow me with super powers. It was made me a better man, father and mate. The structure and strength of a two parent home is the key to challenges that we face as a people. You can look at it anyway you want but it is the family structure that is the key. Black men and women before you decide to bring life into the world check your egos, individual wants and get your heads out of your fifth point of contact.
Black people need to have children, regardless of single status or our race will eventually become extinct. There is credible data that backs this up. This means we have to be supportive of single mothers because life is such that there will always be single mothers raising children. Inspite of their single status black men and women need to work together in order to jointly raise productive black children. All the hate and hurt feelings need to be maturely set aside so that we may survive and thrive. At this point in history we are really our worse enemies, but are not astute enough to realize this. People please wake up before we harm ourselves irreparably. Life is not at all a game.
this is an issue that has more to do with economics than the social attention we often discuss. the correlation of abortion and crime is an official and historical fact the precedes the situation most of give so much attention to. it has everything to do with control and maintaining the hegemony of status quo…too many unwanted babies are being used to continue the welfare /slavery institution. any person especially women who continue to have babies when you are poor and uneducated it is directly the woman’s responsibility. Roe v. Waded change the political landscape; since 1970 women were “liberated” but people of color are still controlled by backward thinking or should i say government entitlement / slave thinking and just use babies as a means to stay in welfare state of mind. and all the media outlets just like our politicians and churches benefit from the exploitation of cultural ignorance